The definitive spanking FAQ!

( Our site is devoted to adult spanking, however we still get questions about the spanking of children. This issue is discussed in an article from US. news — our policy is stated at the bottom of the page : ” when to spank ” )

This faq page has some of the most commonly asked questions about bottom smacking, or flagellation, to be more precise. The answers and views expressed ( some of which may be controversial, we hope ) are those of Steve, who draws on several years experience as a professional dominant and a lifetime of interest, they are not necessarily those of SpankingLife. We welcome comments.

Always remember that the person being spanked is ultimately in control and that this may mean a heavier or lighter spanking than the spanker may wish.

General Spanking Questions

Is spanking, BDSM all the same thing ?

To “spank”, as defined in the oxford dictionary, is to “slap especially on the buttocks ” ( and they should know as as spanking is sometimes referred to as being the “English vice” — we understand that the French coined this phrase !) SpankingLife regards spanking and bottom smacking as being the same, even though this is not technically correct. The more correct term is flagellation.

Bondage means physical restraint ( as in being tied up ) and is not used with most spankings. Bondage can be an end in itself, but this is not spanking. Discipline can be in many forms and mixes which may include bottom smacking as part of that discipline.

Sadism and Masochism are basically about giving and receiving pain for enjoyment, which can also happen during a spanking. The range of S&M pursuits is far greater than bottom smackers engage in.

Another difference is that dress is far more significant in B&D and S&M than it is with bottom smackers, ( Leather garments are very popular ). Although dressing specially for a spanking is common, either as part of a scenario or as part of the preparation process, ( which all goes to heighten anticipation of the coming spanking ). Most spankings are given with the participants wearing normal street clothes, quite often rearranged so that the bottom is bare.

( See also the SPANKING TERMINOLOGY page . )

The above has been kept brief as there is a lot of information on this subject elsewhere on the net.

What is a spanking?

This leads on from the first question, which in our terms, means that a spanking is anything involving the striking of the buttocks. The number of impacts, the force of the impacts, the object used, clothing, the position adopted, the reason, location, the effect on the recipient and other factors all go to the almost infinite variety in spanking situations. This can be part of the enjoyment as no two spankings are the same. Spankings can be of two broad types, punishment or for enjoyment ( although these may be as severe as punishment spankings ). The enjoyment may be for either, or preferably both participants, and may also be part of sexual foreplay ( as in the case of erotic spankings ). Sometimes they are a mixture of both types, as outlined in the “Spencer Spanking Plan ” and similar documents.

Are there different types of spankings ?

Yes, see : types of spanking.

( Examples, ” Play “, Erotic, Punishment, Opportunistic, Staged. )

What is a punishment spanking like ?

A Punishment spanking may start with a period of waiting ” go to the bedroom “, ” I am going to spank you when I get home ” etc. A verbal dressing down may be given, some can even make the recipient cry before the spanking occurs. A ritual method and positioning can be used, making the recipient wish that they would just get on with the spanking. There is no warm up and the spanking starts at full force, generally on the bare bottom. Tears, promises to be good, pleas to stop and marks should have no effect, you are spanked until the spanker is satisfied with the punishment. The spanking may not be with your consent. A period of bare bottom ” Corner Time ” can follow, if you touch or rub you are spanked again. Another lecture can be given. These spankings should be memorable, even years later. True Punishment spankings, as outlined here, are not very common in domestic settings. See Domestic Discipline in Relationships ( there are other pages on the site ).

Are more men or women interested in spanking ?

As usual, men talk about it more and there are more opportunities for them. However, interest is about equal and professionally more men are spanked than seek to spank paid ” sub missives “.

How can I find a spanking partner ?

( see also Spanking prospecting , Asking for a spanking . )

( If you have not already done so, read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. )

The most important thing for success in this field is to develop a positive mental attitude towards spanking and the more you know about it the easier it is to introduce it to others. Be as natural as you can be in your approach, remember that spanking is fun and that it has a lot of positive things associated with it. ( Why not make your own list ? ).

There are three main ways to find your partner ( this is a spanking partner that you are seeking, not necessarily a partner for life ). This advice is intended for both men and women ( who, by the way, we believe should be more active in the search for spanking partners ).

You can try personal contact, introduce the subject into conversation, if you do this light-heartedly you can always retreat. Tell a spanking story or a joke and see who laughs. It is a bit like fishing, isn’t it ? Why not make a list of potential partners ? Take likely prospects to a movie with a spanking scene or better watch a film.


A light smack on the bottom at the right time can do wonders. I have given several ” sound ” spankings because I started out this way and the recipient made no attempt to move away.

Note : This is not FROTTEURISM ( one of the paraphilias, characterized by recurrent, intense sexual feeling from urges involving touching and rubbing against an nonconsenting person ). Your intent is to make the person aware of the contact, even though they may choose to ignore it.

Of course you may receive a look such as that above, we can take no responsibility if you end up getting a free ride in a police car ! This method works well for both men and women. A recent failure happened today when a 25 year old lady ran into the back of my car, she had the necessary element of contrition in her attitude and it was only a few minutes from home, but my mind was on other worldly matters – maybe this site needs a page about lost spanking opportunities. )

Always keep an open mind about spanking possibilities – either giving or receiving.

Read also:

A Man’s Guide to Finding Spankable Women

Converting a vanilla

Does letting someone spank me mean that they can also have sex with me ?

Maybe ! The two things are different, especially in the spanking party situation. If you are with, say, other couples and everyone is comfortable that is different, or at home with Mr./Miss./ M/s. Right but in general no. Also, why limit your field, everyone spanks differently, so why not expand your range of experiences ? It is quite O.K. to keep the two NO ! The two things are different, especially in the spanking party situation. If you are with, say, other couples and everyone is comfortable that is different, or at home with Mr./Miss./ M/s. Right but in general no. Also, why limit your field, everyone spanks differently, so why not expand your range of experiences ? It is quite O.K. to keep the two separate.

Question: Why can’t I find a spanker??

This is an email I received from Steven. (he’s ok with being published here).

I’m a reasonably nice guy, with about 20 years in the spanking scene of So. California, 40/w/m 185, a professional. I just can’t seem to get any response to my many personal ads seeking contact with a lady interested in spanking guys (or switching).

I really don’t like going to professional Domme’s, instead, enjoying the intimacy and trust of a personal relationship.

Are there any ladies in L.A. who actually enjoy spanking?

Does anyone have any advice about how I can meet someone?

(Please don’t advise to go to the Shadowlane party. I tried that and found lots of couples and pros. The couples stayed to themselves or sought other women; the pros were looking for money.)

Here’s my answer:
I think that you will find that interest is about the same as it is here, about 15% of those interested ( at least “officially” ) are women and most of them have been conditioned to be “submissive”, in spanking terms. Try taking it slowly in the general press ( eg local paper personals, but be discrete ) and take the “dominant” role on the first meeting, if nothing else you can show them how you like it.

Please don’t knock the “pros”, they have a role, you will soon be able to recognise those who are in it just for the money – a quick test is to ask about the length of the session, if you are working against the clock forget it. “Pros” have spent some time developing their skills and should provide a better result than most others. They are smacking your bottom and are not trying to be a “love” substitute.

Good Luck !

Am I too old for a spanking?

Spanking for the over fifties

Practical Spanking Questions

Does it hurt?

This depends on a number of factors, it is important to warm up first, limits should be clear and respected. a ” safeword ” can be used to slow down or stop. Your level of excitement also affects your tolerance level, so slow down and let it build. Tolerance levels increase over time.

Should it be on the bare bottom ?

Yes from both points of view. The sensation is far greater and the noise is greater. It is important to watch the level of marking, not to mention the increased psychological effect. The act of baring the bottom and presenting it for the spanking makes the spanking more formal and ceremonial, it increases the ” ritual ” aspect of the punishment experience. Of course it is fun to work down through the levels of clothing. Some men like to be spanked while wearing ladies clothing. You can dress as you like for a spanking !

Nudity should not a worry if the OTK position is used and the clothing adjusted in situ. Only if the spankee goes right over can ” private parts ” be seen :

Schoolgirl spanking a favourite fantasy1

How should the hand be shaped ?

There are several ways to hold the hand when spanking, flat with the fingers apart or together, or cupped. The wrist may be held rigidly or used flexibly as in bouncing a tennis ball See also Spanking noise .


Figure 1. Spanking with a rigid hand and wrist .


Figure 2 . Spanking with a flexible wrist .


Figure 3 . Spanking with a cupped hand .


( Figures 1 , 2 and 3 are many by me… )

How should I spank ?

The most important thing is to maintain your aim. The rate of a spanking can vary from between 10 to 15 up to 100 per minute, depending on implement, position, type of spanking etc. The rate may be varied and the hand or implement may be held against the bottom at the end of each blow. The blows may be more or less perpendicular to the bottom or glancing, as shown in this still.

What area of the bottom should be spanked ?

( see Which area of the bottom should be spanked ? for further details. )

The preliminary warming should be all over each cheek. The main part of the spanking should be confined to the lower half of the bottom, an occasional smack a little bit higher or on the backs of the legs is OK but stay away from the base of the spine and the kidneys ( which are located on either side, above the hips ).

This photograph shows several marks from blows which were too high and what about a warm up ?
( Ok, we know that marks show up better on white rather than pink skin. )

Again , this example shows the lack of a warm up and the lower half of the left cheek is almost untouched .

Please do not concentrate on one or two areas or this may happen :


Examples of how not to spank

What should the well spanked bottom look like ?

Well , something like this :

( Could have gone a little lower . ) ( Could of gone a little higher . )

Click here for some advice about caning .

How hard should it be?

The answer is as hard as the person being spanked wants it to be ! This is very important as otherwise one, or both of you, could end up feeling frustrated and to say the least, unsatisfied. Men, in particular, may not spank their spanking dates hard enough. For example, there is a reply to our SURVEY which complains that instead of the requested spanking ” he ends up only giving ” love taps” “. It may have taken a lot of courage to ask for the spanking and this should be rewarded with the spanking being carried out as requested. If your partner is new, tell and show them ( if necessary ) what you want done.

Will I cry?

Most adults do not cry when spanked. Some women do enjoy the emotional release of crying. On the other hand men may find that it is almost impossible to cry regardless of what they receive, which is a shame and probably goes back to the way they are taught not to cry as a child.

Crying and adult spanking

How can a smaller person spank a larger person ?

( see also : How a smaller person can spank a larger person )

Believe it or not, the most common complaint is that a spanking was not hard enough ( remember that it is the person being spanked’s level that counts ) ! The answer to this problem is to use a position that gives greater ” swinging room “, such as lying or bending over rather than across the knee. Paddles, straps, canes etc. can be used instead of the hand.

The first time spanking!

( See also : Spanking for the first time)

A major newspaper recently had an article recommending to first timers the use of a wooden spoon well, not a good idea. Firstly the general order of severity goes hand – leather – wood and a wooden spoon is like the cane which concentrates the force of the blow into a small area which is the reason why the telltale ” tramlines ” result. Secondly, they are not the easiest things to control, they can mark and bruise. Almost any implement can be used to warm-up, in the right hands, but to start off with I would recommend a slipper ( not leather soled ) – they make a lot of noise and do not hurt, or any other light item.

The warm-up is important to minimise damage and maximise enjoyment. Take your time, there is no need to rush.

Another concern is that the first time experience should be enjoyable, and memorable if you can manage it ! There have been many times when inexperience has led to painful sessions which have put the recipient off any further spanking experimentation.

My suggestion would be to use the Over The Knee position, sitting on a lounge or bed so the receivers upper body is also supported. A warm-up over the clothing, working down to bare bottom using the hand is a good way to start. There is no need for undo concerns about modesty as the underwear can be pulled up and down in this position and the giver can not see anything anyway unless you go right over i.e., with your nose into the carpet !

Read also this.

10 helpful tips for spankers

Mix in some gentle massage, ( Oils can be a little messy , water based cold cream etc is better , will not stain and penetrates more quickly.) and your on you way to discovering the joys of spanking. In fact you may even like to go further and try shopping on our Implements page !

Before and after a spanking

You can also read about before and after here. What can I do to improvise when i do not have a suitable spanking implement with me ? ( this situation will not arise if you have a spankpack.)

Firstly, have a look around for something which is 12 – 18 ( or up to 36 ) inches long and 2 – 4 inches wide, it should be smooth so as not to break the skin. It is also a good idea to wear a belt and if you are a thin waisted lady make sure that it is either thick enough to be used as a single length and or long enough to be used doubled over.

You, as every good Scout, should be prepared and carry a penknife to cut suitable lengths of branches, remembering to strip the side branches off the main stem ( cut into the fork, not away from it otherwise this will leave skin breaking knobs ).

Want to make it more painful, we mean memorable ?

Start with a mildly sunburnt bottom ( you can use a sunlamp ). Wear stretch shorts, particularly if you are being caned.

Squeeze the bottom during the spanking
( also works to control bruising ) :


Spanking a wet bottom will also increase sensitivity, a mixture of water and glycerine can be used in a hand sprayer, some references call this a ” contact fluid “, otherwise, wait until you / they come out of the shower, pool etc. or wear wet clothes.

Put some “hot cream ” ( Chinese Tiger Balm , etc ) on first. Do not use anything that runs or you / they may have some unexpected pain in unexpected areas and do not break the skin.

Shave the hair, or have it shaved, off your bottom first ( this is for men, if you are a girl please send before and after shots ). Apologies that this was not mentioned before ( I was reminded of the practice in an E-mail today ). I first heard of this method from a lady who had spanked her 21 year old son.
( The previous time, some years before, there had been no hair on his bottom. )

Use a hot water bottle ( as hot as you can stand ).

Have a series of spankings.

Delete the warm-up.

Sitting on a hard ( wood ) surface immediately afterwards will get the nates throbbing ( this assumes that a good job was done in the first place ).

Go for a run afterwards, ( uphill is more fun ).

Rumours about Excessive Sadism at SpankingLife are false. It’s your bottom — No litigation will be entered into !

Want to make it less painful, we mean memorable ?

Yes, we know how to do this too. Simple things can present problems. Rings or damaged implements can cause unnecessary marks. Objects in pockets or protrusions from furniture etc may dig into the spankee. The spankee should be in a comfortable position, do not squash breasts in the OTK position etc.

Also watch out for Melanoma Dangers during SM Play.

Question: How to spank males the right way?

This is an email we received a while ago.

I am a male 32years old into the spanking role a very short period of time and recently had a bad experience in role playing with my friend (a she). I had take a severe caning and it did, but I ended up with several cuts in my bottom. My question is if there is a specific technique of giving a bare bottom caning. The implement used was a 30″ long and 3/8 ” thick rattan cane. I will be grateful.

My answer is below.


I am sorry to hear of your bad experience. I assume that your bottom had been warmed up before you started and that you do not have especially sensitive skin ( if you do, you may have to limit the use of canes crops etc ). Using cream beforehand will make the skin more flexible and less likely to break. The skin should not be too tightly stretched ( eg. bending over with hands on knees not hands on toes ).

The cane should be smooth and flexible along it’s entire length, not split and the end should be tapered ( or rounded ) – no sharp edges.

Most women can not cane hard enough to break the skin unless they are not bringing the cane down evenly, generally digging the end ( or tip ) in or having the last few inches of the cane ” wrapping ” around the cheek cutting the side of the buttock.

The cane does take some practice to use properly – some several hundred strokes and it is best to use a cushion first, I like to teach using an old 1970’s vinyl footstool.

The point to aim for with the end of the cane is the centre of the far buttock, with the cane horizontal to the floor. The cane should hit the inside cheek just before it hits the outer one.

This may not fully answer your question, I have made some pretty general assumptions ( eg. I will probably regret using the words ” Most women can not cane hard enough to break the skin ” ). Please send details of the location and type of marking you had if you would like a longer answer.

The above has been kept brief as there is a lot of information on this subject elsewhere on the net.

Questions Concerning Psychological Aspects of Spanking


The psychological dimension of bottom smacking is sufficient to produce a generation of Phd’s ( PHD = Piled High and Deep ) and many conferences. As time permits, some of these dimensions will be canvassed.

The answer to the ” Is it Normal ” question below sets out the some of the physical reasons why spanking entertains us. The question of control or dominance is a major issue and many women welcome the chance to even the score, just as you see children occasionally taking a swing at their parents bottoms, as though they are saying ” you may be able to spank me, but you do not control me ” or maybe ” I can do it to “.

The intention here is to show why some like to spank, some like to be spanked and some do both. ( The rest, apparently, just like to watch. ) In the meantime, this scribe is off to repair the damage to his hand and seat brought about by practicing what he preaches !

The amygdala is the area of the brain concerned with emotion, anterior cingulate ( which controls attention ) and areas dealing with memory could be responsible for individual reactions to spanking. For most people spanking is an emotive word, it evokes an emotive response when mentioned, eg a laugh or a smile, this response may also be negative. When an adult is asked about a childhood spanking experience they may remember details such as where, when and how it happened, but can not say why it happened. It is not selective memory, it is the emotion of the event blanking out some things and highlighting others.

See also : Hormones Affecting Spanking .

There is a phenomenon which we shall call a ” spanking high ” which is reached when limits are reached and exceeded, ( Ever wonder why those last ” unbearable ” smacks were the best ). It has to do with the operation of the amygdala and of endorphins released into the brain and we suspect, one of the reasons why tolerance levels increase and we can feel elated after a spanking. This pushing of limits can be one of the ” turn ons ” of spanking and the giver can also receive the same sort of charge.

The Human Genome Project, which is producing a map of our human DNA, has some potentially enlightening results. A particular DNA pattern can produce a individual inclined to risk taking. The brains of these individuals are stimulated by chemicals produced during exposure to risk and the risk can be commercial as well as physical. This research is interesting as it may, either in conjunction with the above paragraph, or on it’s own, explain why some adults become so taken with spanking even though there is no personal or family history and they are not particularly concerned with ” domination ” or the sexual aspects of spanking. Think of it, spanking partners to order !

Are these psychological factors as important as the ” practical ” ones?

In a word, yes and even more so. Without the right setting or ambience spanking can be one of the most boring activities imaginable. You only have to look at some of the spanking videos to see what I mean – smack, smack, smack, same camera angle, expressionless, no variety etc. On the other hand, use a good story line with reasonable, realistic acting, a little variety added in and you have a spanking blockbuster !

To further illustrate this point an Annex has been added . Annex 1 has examples of two sexual encounters, compare the results of each and then change the situations to spanking ones to see my point about the importance of psychological factors.

Is my interest in spanking ” normal”?

Generally yes, the buttocks is one of the primary erogenous zones, it has a higher concentration of neural receptors than other parts of the body, this makes it very sensitive. The skin is the largest organ of the body and spanking involves skin contact. Spanking lets us be touched and felt by another.

Ladies have particularly appealing bottoms because of their wider hips, although most guys do not realise that their backsides are looked at the more often ! Everyone has warmed their backside from a fireplace etc, women even lift the back of their skirts. Is this interest normal, well this depends on it being a part of your life without it running it.

Spanking is a very pleasing form of foreplay. Even if you are not sure it is worth trying with someone who you can trust and knows what they are doing. See also : PARAPHILIA ( SEXUAL PERVERSION ) .

Is it ” normal ” to feel slightly depressed after being spanked ?

Yes, the Latin phrase of ” post coitum triste ” describes a feeling of sadness after a ( sexual ) encounter, but here is one advantage of spanking – the afterglow ( i.e., nice feelings ) can last ( and be seen ) for days. ( Another one is that you do not get pregnant ! ) This is yet another reason to be taken to your limits wherever possible and increase the afterglow. There are also corresponding effects upon the ( lucky ) person giving the spanking, although these are generally to a lesser degree.

Some further comments from a recently published articles

Spanking power exchange

More questions will be answered as they come to hand.

Please, dear visitor, ask your question in a comment or look up our contact page.