Battle of the sexes

 

Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
—Oscar Wilde

The Rules of the Game

1. THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without notification

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change some or all of them.

5. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. Any attempt by the male to change these rules is against the rules.

A Man’s Guide to What a Woman is Really Saying:

 

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

I’m sorry = you’ll be sorry.

We need = I want.

Do whatever you want to = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure – go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you MORON!.

You’re so manly = you need to shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about ?

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpets, and furniture, and wallpaper …

Do you Love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

The answer to the question ” What’s wrong? ”

The same old thing = Nothing. Nothing = Everything.
Everything = My hormones are acting up.

CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? = There is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE = Without you in it….

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? = We haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE = You cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW = I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now

I DON’T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? = I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE = Hee hee….my puppy does that too….

I LIKE YOU, BUT… = I don’t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN = You never listen.

WE’RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY = I’m not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE = I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF = I’m just being nice; there is no way I’m going Dutch.

I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS = We’re gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

A Woman’s Guide to What a Man is Really Saying:

 

I’M HUNGRY = I’m hungry.

I’M SLEEPY = I’m sleepy.

I’M TIRED = I’m tired.

I’VE GOT TO PEE = Get out of the way.

I’VE GOT TO GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I GET YOUR COAT? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE = I want to fondle you.

WHAT’S WRONG? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT’S WRONG? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

WHAT’S WRONG? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I’M BORED = Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU = Let’s have sex now!

I LOVE YOU TOO = OK, I said it. We’d better have sex now!

GOOD MORNING = That was great sex. Let’s have more!

SEE YOU LATER = That was great sex. Let’s do it again sometime!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = You cut your hair?

LET’S TALK = I’m trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WHILE SHOPPING:

YES, THAT ONE’S NICE = Why do you ask when you aren’t going to listen anyway?

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU = Pick any freaking’ dress and let’s go home!

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER = Pick any freaking’ dress and let’s go home!

UH HUH = Pick any freaking’ dress and let’s go home!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

I DON’T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER = I’m gay!

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT = I am incredibly stupid!

 

Careful what you ask for…

There’s these three guys and they’re out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says: “OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.” The mermaid says: “Done.”

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: “Triple my I.Q.” The mermaid says: “Done.”

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my I.Q.” The mermaid looks at him and says: “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.”

The guy says: “Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.” “Please,” says the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view on the universe…won’t you ask for something else…a million dollars, anything?” But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it’s usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: “Done.”

And he became a woman.

The Fishing Vacation

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, ‘Is this guy blind, or what?’

“You’re in a no-fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and charge you.”

“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the ranger.

“Yes, that’s true….but you have all the equipment.”

The Stages of Life

 

The Male Stages of Life

The Female Stages of Life

Age

Drink

Age

Drink

17
25
35
48
66

beer
bourbon
vodka
double vodka
Maalox

17
25
35
48
66

Wine Coolers
White wine
Red wine
Dom Perignon
Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

 

Seduction Line

 

Reasons for refusing dates

17
25
35
48
66

My parents are away for the weekend.
My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
My fiance is away for the weekend.
My wife is away for the weekend.
My second wife is dead.

17
25
35
48
66

Need to wash my hair
Need to wash and condition my hair
Need to color my hair
Need to have Francois color my hair
Need to have Francois color my wig

 

Favorite sport

 

Favorite sport

17
25
35
48
66

sex
sex
sex
sex
napping

17
25
35
48
66

shopping
shopping
shopping
shopping
shopping

 

Definition of a successful date

 

Definition of a successful date

17
25
35
48
66

“tongue”
“breakfast”
“She didn’t set back my therapy.”
“I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
“Got home alive.”

17
25
35
48
66

“Burger King”
“Free meal”
“A diamond”
“A bigger diamond”
“Home Alone”

 

Favorite fantasy

 

Favorite fantasy

17
25
35
48
66

getting to third
airplane sex
menage a trois
taking the company public
getting an erection

17
25
35
48
66

tall, dark and handsome
tall, dark and handsome with money
tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
a man with hair
a man

 

What’s the ideal age to get married?

 

What’s the ideal age to get married?

17
25
35
48
66

25
35
48
66
17

17
25
35
48
66

17
25
35
48
66

 

The ideal date

 

The ideal date

17
25
35
48
66

Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
“Split the check before we go back to my place”
“Just come over.”
“Just come over and cook.”
Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

17
25
35
48
66

He offers to pay
He pays
He cooks breakfast the next morning
He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
He can chew breakfast

Elements for Man / Woman

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic weight: 120 (more or less)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Common Names: Varies anywhere from John to !@#_%^&*****?

Atomic weight:180+/-100

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.

Chemical properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with kd (element kid) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic, Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

Women Speak in Estrogen – Men Listen in Testosterone

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots’. Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, ‘I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’ This is known as the ‘I Hate You I Love You’ drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of Old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction…he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six ‘D’ batteries to operate.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn’t really matter.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the Doritos’ or Got anymore beer?’

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

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