While the repertoire of sexual arousal for adults cannot be restructured from scratch, desires can certainly be extended (new thrills added on to well-established ones). So while spanking may never become your partner’s primary thrill, it can become, for many, something they enjoy, especially because you do. Most of us derive pleasure from knowing how to drive our partners into a frenzy of arousal, and if your hubby enjoys doing that, and knows that a muttered threat to turn you over his knee is thrilling to you, then I’m betting that begins to get him stiff just looking in your eyes when he cocks his eyebrow and sees your response.
So if you haven’t really tried to persuade your partner and run up against a flat-out, and repeated, refusal, then it’s well worth exploring whether he or she might be persuaded. (I’m going to assume, in what follows, that your partner knows about your spanking desire and that you want this to be an M/F spanking. Nothing I say precludes the reverse, but M/F is my orientation and also this board’s main focus.)
Here are six (pleasure-extending) suggestions:
1. Eroticize the female bottom.
Visually via tight jeans, figure-hugging dresses, thongs, garter belts and stockings (they frame the bottom delightfully). Touching: encourage bottom pats and squeezes. I love walking beside my wife with my hand resting on her bottom feeling it undulate as she strides. She says it makes her ‘bottom-conscious’, and if I want to spank her, one route, if we’re out for an evening dining and dancing, is to make her very bottom-conscious all night long by subtle bottom-touching gestures. If you’re a woman who wants to be spanked, you can probably figure out all sorts of ways to make your bottom a major sexual stimulus to your lover. Go for it. Even if you never get to otk games, that rear attention will perk up your sex-life.
2. Associate bottom-smacking with other intensely pleasurable stimuli, such as oral sex and intercourse itself.
This a basic pleasure-extension strategy: the constant coupling of bottom-smacking with other stimuli will ‘spread’ the established pleasure to the new stimulus (recall Pavlov’s dogs who salivated to the bell? Human pleasure-responses are much more complex, but they are amenable to this type of conditioning.) In fact, for women wanting to be spanked, I’d start by encouraging him to smack your bottom during intercourse, and let him watch your response, when you gasp, your tummy spasms, you throw you head back and then he sees the lust in your eyes, and he’ll soon become convinced that this is a really powerful turn-on for you, and that, if he were to do it otk in the future, as a form of foreplay, that it wouldn’t be ‘hurting’ you at all but giving you an intense thrill. Or kneel up on the bed beside him, stick your bottom in his face as you go down on him, then, as you suck him, reach back and give your own bottom a smack. If his hand doesn’t replace yours doing the smacking, and if the smacks don’t stimulate you to suck him harder, and him to come, then I’d be surprised.
3. Another pleasure-extending strategy works more on the psychological level.
Intertwine spanking with other sexual fantasies. We’re actually at a very opportune moment in the history of Western culture to do this. In its formation, ours is a Christian culture where all sorts of non-procreative sexual activities and fantasies have been traditionally associated with guilt and the need for confession and atonement. (Witness the Christian flagellants of the Middle Ages.) We’ve recently become secular and savvy enough to realize that this guilt is misplaced, that we ought not to feel it. Yet we still do! That’s a perfect psychological conditioner for consensual adult spanking. You enact the ‘naughty’ fantasy (recall the Christian expression ‘sins of the flesh’), get that guilty rush from it, then have your partner spank away the guilt! This way, you can have your guilty-pleasure cake and eat it too. I had a major breakthrough with my wife when I discovered how I could add a spanking on to the end of her exhibitionist fantasies. Her favorite self-pleasuring material involves her being ‘on display’ in a situation where men are lusting after her. She’s the saucy Flirt at the ball, or the stripper up on the table in a bar-room, etc. We play with this scene, and have me, her jealous hubby, show up, see her flirting outrageously with other men, become irate at her behaviour and spank her ‘in front of everyone’. That completely intertwines her exhibitionist thrill with my spanking thrill. She now finds the idea of a public spanking just as thrilling as the reality would be appalling. So we play scenes with imaginary audiences, and she sinks into the fantasy head-space.
4. Work on developing bratty banter.
(see the great suggestions in the DARE thread!), or, for men who want to spank, at the kidding threat when she does something naughty that isn’t serious, is ‘disown able’ (aw, darlin’, don’t take offense, I’m just kiddin’) but can hang around in the air, and percolate in your partner’s mind for minutes, or even hours, afterwards. Once again, this is a pleasure-extending strategy. Many people who’ve never tried spanking just love that type of kidding, testy-flirty, banter with someone they’re in love with, or attracted to. Just listen in at a cocktail party conversation where men and women are flirting with one another. Often it involves risqué suggestion and testy kidding in combination. That’s a natural segue into spanking.
5. Try the provocation-chase-capture game.
I’ll never forget, up at the cottage one summer when I was probably 16 or 17, this girl who fancied me and wanted to attract my attention, pushed me in the lake with my clothes on. She had on a bathing suit at the time, so tossing her in was not a suitable ‘retribution’. When I got out, she ran away giggling, I gave chase, and naturally, when I caught her, I spanked her wet bathing-suit bottom. Talk about a thrill — for both of us! She got me very interested in her, very quickly, believe me! I don’t think spanking was really the goal for her. Hooking me was. But she got both, a very successful strategy, and I’m sure, she wasn’t averse to the spanking, since it led directly to a passionate necking session.
6. A variant of 5 is play-wrestling.
End the tussle sprawled across his lap, or in any position where your bottom is readily accessible to his hand, and see if you don’t collect a swat. And for men wishing to see if she likes that, it’s a great opportunity to check out her ‘spankable quotient’, since a light swat or two in that situation is probably acceptable, especially if she’s got her licks in on you in other ways, so you have implicit leeway for playful retaliation, and your choice is, naturally …