Please read this page first : FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
More advice, together with Dr. Susan Block. As questions of general interest come in , we will put a selection of them here along with our answers . All personal details are either disguised or removed .
Q: My husband loves to spank me lightly, especially before making love. Is this normal? — bad girl
A: Dear bad girl,
While spanking is a sexual behavior that doesn’t show up in every bedroom, it certainly isn’t abnormal. In fact, light spanking is one of the five most common forms of kinky sex play and is very arousing for many people. As long as it doesn’t bother you, why not engage in something that turns him on?
Q: To: email@example.com
Subject: How To
I have just met a young lady who is very upfront about wanting to be spanked. She apparently has had a few spankers in her recent past. She wants a monogamous relationship with me but says she really needs to be spanked as an emotional release.
I have spanked a young lady in the past but I am still very much an amateur, with no knowledge of technique other than that which comes naturally. Is there a paper or book or website where I can learn “how to” deliver a sensual spanking, one that combines pain and pleasure?
A: Yes our FAQ page will answer most questions, but it has gone missing. We will let you know when we get a copy back or time to rewrite the page. In the meantime, bare bottom is best, warmup the whole area first, use a safe word ( it is her level which counts ) and spanking the lower half of the bottom is recommended. Do not ease off, the most common complaint is that it was not hard enough.
Q: Subject: spanking
I recently came across your site and found it very interesting. For some years I have wanted my wife to cane or spank me. She did try but found it very distasteful. The result it was discontinued. I became frustrated and no doubt it showed in our relationship. Also she would not wish me to spank her. I was wondering if you could advise me how to try and persuade her to try out the Spencer Plan. If I could persuade her that there were benefits in it for her and no real drawbacks then I might have a chance. I was thinking if the plan could be amended to include rewards for her e g a holiday if the plan was successfully implemented for nine months. We live in XXXX.
Your help and advise would be gratefully received.
A: Hello,Please excuse the delay in reply, we had a few problems, as you can see from the site. If you do not mind, we will put the text of your question and our reply on our Temporary Advice page – no names or addresses of course.
The problem you are faced with is getting her to understand, on an emotional level, why you would like to spank her and why you would like her to spank you.You probably have already thought about this from your perspective but you will have to put yourself in her position and come up with what will ease her objections. Getting to spank her will probably be a lot easier than you being spanked, most women have some form of initial objection to spanking another adult. Women can start out receiving only and later their interests change to giving.The trick is to make it as natural as you can. Why not try a light hand over the knee spanking first, you can build up later? Bare bottom is best as it is the most sensual way.
If it is not too late you may like to try body massages and lightly touching her bottom when making love. Your task will be a lot easier if you have a high degree of physical intimacy in your relationship with her.
This is something which can not be pushed, it may or may not happen as a continuing occurrence. You have to be prepared to make strategic retreats and ultimately to give up the pursuit. Believe it or not this mindset will increase your chances and stop this issue spilling over into other areas of your lives.
If all else fails, you may be able to get her to consent to you seeing a professional ( female for preference ) and if she is not completely put off by your interest have her go with you the first time.
Q: Subject: caning
I will be giving my girlfriend (slave) a very heavy caning this week we have agreed 100 strokes of a heavy cane, serious damage to her as I just need to thrash her not cripple her.
Well first off, we hope both of you have done this before and know how to use safe words !
She needs to be well warmed beforehand and may need some sort of penetrating cream if her skin is dry. Make sure that the skin is not too tight and adjust her upper body as necessary, the spine should be arched towards the front, this will push the lower part of her cheeks further out.You should have an ice pack and some Panadol ( not aspirin ) etc ready. Applying pressure to any marks immediately afterwards will lessen bruising. She will have to stay still as the cane comes in, lay her over something if necessary.
If you are not used to this level of caning we would suggest some practice
with cushions. Otherwise your aim may not be so good towards the end. Aim for the centre of the outside cheek and bring the cane down parallel to the floor and cheeks, striking the inner cheek just before the end hits the outer cheek. Do not let the tip hit first or rap around the side. Move the point of impact up and down between the centre of both cheeks and the join with the thighs ( this is the fleshiest and most sensitive part of the bottom ). Avoid hitting anywhere near the spine or it’s base, the ” tailbone ” which is located underneath the join at the top of the cheeks.
The cane should be flexible, well oiled but dry with no splits or high ridges and a slightly rounded end. The longer the cane is the harder it is to control. Depending upon your abilities, somewhere between 3 and 4 feet should do. A slightly shorter one may be best if you have any doubts.
In view of the proposed number of strokes you might consider short breaks but do not let her bottom cool too much during these breaks. We have answered this question on face value and on the assumption that commonsense will be used.
Q: I am 19 and have wanted a strong spanking for a long time. My girlfriend has agreed to cane me but I need to know how many strokes should she give me and where and if it should be bare or not????
A: The technical ” How To ” answer is above.
There is a general progression in spanking severity from hand to leather and on to wood. The cane has been romanticised for years, in some ways it is the ultimate implement. It is a relative newcomer to the West, replacing the birch in the 1800’s.
Using a cane properly requires experience. A suggestion would be to try a paddle instead on the lower half of your bottom, you will soon find our how many strokes are required. The risk of breaking your skin is much less with a paddle, even on the bare bottom. If you want to try the cane, have her use it lightly until she can hit the right area repeatedly. A bare bottom is best for this as she will be able to see the marks for a short time and then be able to adjust her aim. Once she can do this, the strength of the blows may be increased. A cane should not be forced and when it’s limit is reached a heavier cane should be used. A selection of canes should be available.
We hope this helps.
Sometimes we wonder if the questions are real :
I need your help with something please, and please get back with me. I have a tendency of walking around the house, and complex with just my underwear on, showing off, and be nasty. I know that if my grandmother were to know about it, she would make sure I don’t sit for a month literally. I really know what I do is wrong, and I do need a good paddling, but I don’t know how to approach her about it, I just feel weird about it. So can u get back with me, and give me some advice on what to say to her about it when I approach her, and how do u think i should be spanked for doing that, and etc, please get back with me, this is very important
Why not print this and give it to your grandmother. Please let us know if this approach works.
Q: Question re Marks
My wife has three marks that open up immediately when spanked. We are at an extremely high level, but even now these areas bleed on the first couple strokes. She said, she doesn’t mind, I’m just concerned that I might do some permanent damage. Is there anything I can do?
A: Hello, There is a technical name for this condition, it is like a boil and tends to get worse over time. They can be cut out, generally one or two stitches are involved. A visit to the Doctor is advised to confirm that this is what it is and not something more sinister. Disinfect your implements before and after use.
Q: mature adult
I am a mature adult male. I have on many occasions tried to stop going to professionals to receive very hard spanking. However, I find myself always returning after a period of time. Spanking is not a sexual thing with me, it is more of a way to relieve stress.
I am married, over 30 years and could never broach this subject at home because I also believe that this behavior is bizarre and certainly not normal.
Can you help me understand this behavior? After I receive a hard spanking, I feel guilty as though I have cheated.
Please excuse the delay, we have been having a lot of email problems. We really need some more details about you feelings and background to properly answer your question. You may find that your behaviour is not that unusual.
Q: Re: mature adult
I really do not know exactly what you are looking for but I will try to explain.
Prior history, esp. childhood.
I really have tried for well over two years to stop scheduling appointments with a professional Dominatrix to receive hard to heavy spankings. Usually I can last for about 2-3 months, then when I am very stressed, I schedule an appointment.
This is a common cycle.
As I indicated in my previous message I am a happily married mature adult male, early 60s. My wife would never understand my need and quite frankly neither do I.
Generally there is a underlying reason, possibly guilt or something from your earlier life. Your feelings about these sessions may be a continuation of the ” punishment “. Wives can become conservative with age, exposure to other ideas through books and films may help, along with intimacy and passion in sex.
I believe that this type of behavior is bizarre and quite strange. Every time I go I push my limits more and more. I prefer instruments as paddles, hairbrush, strap, and some limited cane. I would probably engage in more caning but I do not want long lasting marks. I only will accept marks that will go away in a day or two. Because of my career I must remain very discreet. The Dominatrix whom I see understands and respects my wishes. There is no role play, no fantasy games, just hard spanking.
It would seem that there is little downside to your activities, the only problem is how you regard them. This is something that you can change, if you wish. Wooden paddles produce a deep feeling, without the heavier marking that occurs from the use of canes.
I just do not understand why an articulate mature male would engage in this type of behavior. After a session, I become guilty and feel as though I have cheated on my marriage.
Looking at it objectively, the only ” cheating ” is secrecy and maybe intimacy with someone other than your wife. You might like to share your feelings with your wife, she may not understand but many wives ( and husbands ) agree to their partners seeing someone else for ” discipline “. You may consider doing nothing, as the current arrangement appears to be working.
That is my story, no more, no less. Thank you for responding.
These visits have nothing to do with sex, I go literally to receive a heavy beating.
We hope that this helps. Please feel free to reply to these brief notes.