Spanking guide: How to convert a vanilla woman into your spankee…

Converting a vanilla: This is a massive post with a lot of info – take your time (more than an hour!)

This post contains the answers several friends of mine gave to seven very important spanking questions. Lots of valuable advice and everyday problems of spankers. Here are the questions we want to answer:

  • Do you just deny your fetish ?
  • Do you play outside you marriage ?
  • Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?
  • Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla ?
  • Who would be easier to convert ?  A husband or a wife ?
  • Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it ?
  • What’s your personal experience ?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend ?

This is a massive, 10.000 word post -lots of unfiltered wisdom. If you have any questions, please contact Steve at spankinglifenet @





The term”Vanilla”is used in spanking circles to identify a person who is not”into”spanking and is an extension of the term as applied to those who do not engage in”alternative”sexual practices. Spankophiles are generally referred to as being”Chocolate”.

This page discusses ways of dealing with the challenge of getting non spankers to engage in spanking activity. There is no correct way to do this, the circumstances and attitudes vary greatly, as do possible objections.

This is an area of spanking that requires a degree of passion for success, the more that it shows, the greater the chances are of converting a”Vanilla”(or at least getting them to try it.). On the other side of the coin, we have the”fact”that Vanillas and Chocolates are wired differently mentally. This difference may take a long time to change or accommodate. Alas, sometimes it will never happen. The use of passion is your best chance over a period of time.

Our  SPANKING PROSPECTING ,  FIRST TIME  and  FAQ  Pages have more information.


The spanking scheme of things.
(  CLICK HERE  for full page.)


The majority of the contents of this page was posted in a thread at  Southern California Spanked Wives  in answer to the following series of questions :

I had an interesting conversation this evening with my ex-husband.  He’s having some trouble in his marriage (she’s a bitch) and I couldn’t resist suggesting that he should just spank her.  I expected some reaction from that statement but I got nothing !  Not even a grunt !  I never told him about my spanking interest when we were married since I was way too embarrassed that he’d be critical.  I didn’t tell anyone back in those days !

Well, times are different and I’m less embarrassed about this fetish.  Heck, after what the world knows about President Clinton’s sex life, mine seems pretty demure !  So I told the X about this club and my hidden interest.  He wasn’t critical at all but he didn’t come close to understanding anything about it ((I didn’t think he would.)

Anyway, it once again made me thankful that I don’t have to try to get my current boyfriend to understand my attraction to spanking.  For those of you who are in committed relationships to wonderful non-spanking-enthusiasts, how do you do it ?  I have questions :

  • Do you just deny your fetish ?
  • Do you play outside you marriage ?
  • Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?
  • Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla ?
  • Who would be easier to convert ?  A husband or a wife ?
  • Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it ?
  • What’s your personal experience ?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend ?

Copy and paste the questions if it makes it easier to reply.  I’m really curious to hear your answers.

………………….. Becca


(As you can see, there is a lot of work to do on this material and we hope to be able to get to it shortly, along with our own comments. Even so, it is useful in it’s”raw”form. If there is anything raised on this page that you wish to discuss, please send an Email: spankinglifenet at


Answer 1:

From: basketcase  (Original Message)

Thanks Becca and Schroeder for bumping up the”converting a vanilla spouse”thread. I have read a lot of the posts from that thread and am already trying out some of the suggestions.

I thought I might practice what I preached in the”what do you want”thread and ask for some advice from some of the more experienced members of the group.

It might be a good idea to first update you on how things have been doing and then ask some questions.

My wife has a bad habit of skipping meals, not just eating very little in a meal, but skipping it completely. This has been going on for years and, as you may expect, makes her sick quite often. She also suffers from depression and is on antidepressants. She has the same problem of skipping her medication as she does skipping meals, even going as far as to take herself completely off her medication for a period of time thinking that they are not doing any good. Of course, when she does this I notice the change in her behavior and mood.

So I thought that she may need a little more incentive to quit skipping meals and her medication. Wednesday, I was on my  home from class at around 8:00 P.M. and called her from my car to let her know I was on my way. She asked me if I could pick something up for dinner because she was”real hungry”since she skipped both breakfast and lunch.

Later that night, while in bed, I told her that she shouldn’t skip meals completely anymore and that she needs a little more incentive to start eating regularly. So I said I will put her over my knee and give her 20 swats on her bare behind for every meal she skips each day. Her reply was,”medium spanks?”, I said,”yes”and she put herself over my knee.

During the 40″medium”swat spanking, I said that since she had taken herself off her antidepressants so many times that I will also give her a 20″medium”swat spanking for each dose she misses. She agreed to receiving a spanking for both reasons. I also warned her that, if I asked her if she ate or if she took her medication, and she lied, and I catch the lie, she will get double spanking.

She also has a bad habit of hitting stationary objects with her car. She has hit our mailbox twice this year. She has sideswiped poles in parking lots and even hit a wall inside a self-service car wash. (Not all with the same car). So I added a lingering threat of a spanking to the list. If she hits the mailbox or anything else, like a metal pole in a parking lot, again. Then I will put her over my knee and give her 100″medium”swats on her bare bottom, in addition to what she may receive if she skips a meal or her medication.

I suppose a really bad spanking day for her, (or good if she begins to like it),  would be for her to skip breakfast, lunch and her antidepressents, lie about it, get caught in the lie, then hit the mailbox pulling into our driveway on the way home.

I suppose the first thing to ask, of those who actually read my post up to this point, is what do you think of my rules as I have set them? Is there any suggestions of things I should add or omit? Is spelling out exactly what she will get for her bad behavior a good idea?

She just got her first spanking under these rules Wednesday, She was pretty good yesterday. It will be interesting to see if she will continue, or not.





Answer 2:

From: rorb

  • Do you just deny your fetish?
  • Do you play outside you marriage?
  • Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?
  • Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?
  • Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?
  • Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?
  • What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?

At first, thank you for all of your contributions to this site. In answer to your first question, no I don’t deny it but neither do I advertise it. My wife knows as does do my kids. Most people in even in public will ignore it if I give my wife a firm pop on the but (as she does not protest).

Second question, Never (24 years together, 20 married) she gives me absolutely everything I need.

Third question, I do limit the intensity on whole. She doesn’t like being the pain of being spanked. A swat can still be punishment. She enjoys the intensity of my attraction and total commitment of my attention. She accepts the use of a wooden paddle, hand, spoon and light riding crop.

Fourth, yes you can convert a vanilla wife but it may not be to what you see in videos. I have been a spanker since before I met my wife and I spanked her before we got married or had sex. Having always been a butt man and having always paid attention to her bottom she has grown to need the affirmation. I always pat her butt and hold her hip especially when I am happy with her. If I am mad at her or am to busy working on projects to pay her attention she will go so far as to block my way and put her butt up until she is swatted.

Fifth question, I don’t have an answer. I guess either way. I would suspect with a man it would be sexual attention, with a woman emotional touching and attention.

Sixth, I think you can learn to love anything especially if the behavior is strongly rewarded with something the person values.

Seventh, I have converted my wife, and both my girl friends before I was married were willing to be spanked. One enjoyed it a lot and took me to new depths ranging from spanking to bondage. So the answer is yes. They may never actually love the act of being spanked but they might take comfort in the process. My wife has often teased you aren’t happy with me? or you don’t love me anymore? If I asked why she answers you have played with my bottom, meaning she will let me do anything if I give attention there. By the same token she knows once we start she will be cuddled literally for hours and I won’t be satisfied until she has had her orgasms. I tend to snuggle an hold after spanking here whether we are leaving the house to go shopping or making out. That is the part she wants and is willing to even looks forward to being spanked to have that.

Hope that helps.


Answer 3:

From: Writerdude2

Great Topic! Here goes for my first response as a new member.

My experience in relationships has been that every one of them since college have involved spanking in every form from playful to discipline. And not a single lady (to my knowledge ;> ;>) had ever been spanked before and for the ones that I still maintain friendships with they say they have not spanked since.

My feelings are that I owe my potential partner the curtesy of discussing my beliefs regarding spanking once I am certain hat the relationship is taking an exclusive turn. At that point the decision to continue is solely theirs. I am happy to say that there were very few ladies who were repulsed by my openness. Two of these ladies even agreed to marrying me (they also subsequently agreed to divorce me, and no it wasn’t the spanking that did us in :>) and spanking was an extremely important component of our relationships. I whole heartedly believe that open and honest communication in the beginning is important to saving hurt feelings and resentment later on.

As for friends and relatives knowing I don’t hide it nor go out of my way to share. There has been more than one occasion of an implement, video, magazine or spanking item carelessly left out that stimulated discussions quickly explained and just as quickly dropped. The only time I have to admit I was left completely flushed was when my Daughter found a ping pong paddle with her Mothers name written on it.

However I must say that at this stage in my life I would love to build a relationship with someone with whom this isn’t a lifestyle to explain…simply to enjoy.



Answer 4:

From: Fairest

  • 1 Do you just deny your fetish?  Although I don’t”shout it from the mountaintops”, all of my partners have known about my interest.  I don’t share the details of my private life with my family, anyway.
  • 2 Do you play outside your marriage?  Yes, with my husband’s participation and permission.  And only with people who I know very well.
  • 3 Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?  That was my only option at first because my husband was vanilla… gradually I introduced”play spanking”, moved on to”erotic spanking”and eventually described the dynamics of”disciplinary spanking”.  Now he’s progressing more every day and I’m beaming.
  • 4 Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla? Yes, because I’ve done it on more than one occassion.
  • 5 Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  In my personal experience, the open minded men have been much easier to convert than the super conservative women.
  • 6 Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  (What’s not to love?)  I believe love for spanking can be”learned”.
  • 7 What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  I have”converted”many past partners in different ways.  Some took to spanking as a fish to water.  Others enjoyed certain aspects but preferred the erotic or play aspects rather than the disciplinary portion.





Answer 5:

From: Mia

Hello all. I would like to respond to this strand.

  • 1.)Do you just deny your fetish?>>  I did for many years, while still trying to make him do it and make him think it was his idea.
  • 2.)Do you play outside you marriage?>>  No, but I had met someone that I was thinking about meeting. Then my husband decided to spank me. He used that as his first reason.
  • 4.)Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?>>  I would say yes. My husband was and now I think he is really into it. I think he finally saw the benefit to spanking me. I wanted it to be discipline, for things I did wrong or behavior that wasn’t good. I explained that this could be his ace in the hole when I was bad. It took many years, but he finally understood that I didn’t want him to be a bully, just a loving strict husband. He likes it now, at least that’s what he tells me.
  • 6.)Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?>>  Again, I’m pretty sure my husband wasn’t born with this kink. I do think events in his life helped him though. For instance, he lived with his very closest friends for a few months. It was a married couple. A pastor and his wife. The pastor/husband believed in spanking his wife when she misbehaved. My husband found it intriguing. He didn’t tell me this until recently. So I think they can be converted. I know he started it because he knew how important it was to me. He also knew he didn’t want me going outside our marriage to find it. (I NEVER threatened him with that, just so you know.)
  • 7.)What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?>>  When I think of the times he has spanked me in the last few weeks I hope he’s converted. I would never want to go back to the place where he’s forcing himself to, just for me. That never felt right and he hated it.  I know it goes against his own kinks, but I trust him when he says, THIS time he really wants to share this with me. THIS time he really understands. We’ve had some times where he said and I believed he was going to convert but he didn’t. He even spanked me a few times in those periods. But I think this time is different. We both agree that it feels different.

So, that’s my answer. Mia



Answer 6:

From: oswald

Hi Becca and everyone!

I am just wondering why this wonderful threat has somehow stopped in last autumn. I eagerly read all the postings and got plenty of good ideas – how to convert an vanilla husband. Apparently the successes of men converting their vanilla wives into spankos have been more limited.

As I am very much interested in this topic, I try to give my ideas, and I hope to get an answer or two…???

I have been married to my wonderful wife for 14 yrs now, her being my first and only love partner as yet. Myself, I remember being fascinated by spanking way back since my first clear cut erotic fantasies.

Trying to go through your questions:

  • 1 Do you just deny your fetish?  I do not. I have told my love even before our marriage, full of guilt about my pervert feelings, as I then took them. She was very understanding and comforting. Both of us did not really intend to let spanking into our relationship. She didn’t like it, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. The more I learned to accept these fantasies and wishes as being part of myself, the more I tried to convince her to take part (see below).
  • 2 Do you play outside you marriage?  No, I don’t. For me, spanking is very erotic, nothing of disciplinary spanking (though I would love really good and hard erotic spanking…). If I had a different spanking partner and would like it, it would be like my sex partner – and cheating. Anyway, the nicest and best woman to spank just is the one I am married to…
  • 3 Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?  Only since spring this year we have started to play a bit of spanking. In a very limited way and very rarely. I try to keep it sexually, but somehow I love to stroke and cuddle her and her bottom and I like to spank her but I don’t really like to mix the two. If I want to spank her, I want to spank her. At least pretend to, rather softly and just patting. Still, I really love it. Unfortunately she hates it – so it is no good way of erotic partnership.
  • 4 Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?  From all I read in this forum, it apparently is. I doubt it for my wife and I would be very happy if we found a way that I could get a bit of this into our partnership softly and lovingly, without hurting her, just playing. I have not given up…
  • 5 Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I agree with most writers that it would be easier to get a man to try out spanking, at least actively. A lovely woman’s bottom is such a beautiful sexual stimulus – how can you not at least smack it, and hopefully learn to like to spank the lady you love – if she loves and deserves it…?
  • 6 Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  Well, my limited personal experience does not show that learning to love to be spanked is very easy.
  • 7 What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  No, not even my wife…

I know this sounds a bit frustrated. I have to add that we have a really loving and wonderful relationship in all other aspects. I myself have long learned to love kissing, hugging, cuddling,”normal”sex and all those things I didn’t fancy before I fell in love with her many years ago. Nevertheless I very much miss this one thing.

I apologize for my a bit clumsy and maybe not always correct english, but I hope you get an idea of my concern.

Bye everyone, and (off topic) to all Americans I am with you with my thoughts at your very sad anniversary.




Answer 7:

From: PinkLady

  • Do you just deny your fetish?  No, I’ve tried that and over time it seriously impacts on my interest in sex.  I feed my fetish with books and computer.
  • Do you play outside you marriage?  I have but find this to be unpleasant eventually.  Sooner or later partners want more than I do out of it.  Because of this I have not played with anyone else for quite a while and have no plans to do so again.
  • Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?  Yes, but he still waits for me to initiate it.
  • Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?  I think only if the vanilla has just a bit of spanker in him anyway.
  • Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I think husband IF he is the spanker.  I think converting anyone to a spankee is touchy, to say the least.
  • Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  I believe one could learn to enjoy some spanking activity but I think people who are really into it have been formed that way, whether by nature or nuture or both.
  • What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  I have convinced men I dated in the past to spank me for fun and some of them did get into it.  As to whether they became spankers with other women I do not know.  As noted above, my husband is a very occasional spanker and needs to be asked to do it.  He does really try though, and that is something.


Answer 8:

From: Sassycat_2157


I can really relate to your answer to Eilene. It certainly took a long time for my husband to come around. And I still have to encourage him that spanking one’s wife is not the terrible sin that he believed it to be, since it is consensual.  The part you wrote about  Pavlov’s dogs, made me laugh because this is one of the ideas I used to encourage my husband. Hm, oral sex and spanking, what fun!

The first time I approached my husband about spanking me did not go as well as I hoped. Partly this was my own fault because I went about it in a joking way (To protect my feelings in case of rejection). Later on I realized that I had a responsibility to explain what I really wanted seriously. Several months passed as I tried to put into words what I wanted. Which is really hard when even now I keep changing what I want, how far I want to go how many fantasy I want to explore.

But I did bring the subject up and this time he did agree to try. He had reservations about hurting me, about it being wrong to hit a female and about us being equal. And I had to assure him alot.

I always loved to tease and joke around with a bit of the brat inside and I’ve always challenged authority (not in business), but a lot of that became subdued as I got older and had children and my responsibilities grew.  I decided to bring my old (young) self back and allowed myself free reign to drive hubby crazy, both with my antics and my sexual cravings. I believe he is pleasantly bewilder by it all, he certainly isn’t as grumpy as he used to be and walks around smiling more.

He certain enjoys winning more of our discussions (and I don’t mind losing a few , considering the benefits.)

Anyway, I just feel if you want something and it is important to you, just keep trying for it. Sometimes you have to let it go for a little while, re-examine it, come at it from a different angle and try it again. Sometimes when push comes to shove, pushing back yields some yummy results. At least in my case it did.

The thread is fascinating.  Good luck  to all – Cathy


Answer 9:

From: Rikkired

Hello Everyone…my name is Rikki (red) and I am new to this forum and this is my first of I hope many posts.

Okay…let me begin…

  • Do you just deny your fetish?  Actually yes I did for years!  I’ve been married for about 15 years now and we played erotically once with spanking but it wasn’t what I wanted so we never did it again.
  • Do you play outside you marriage?  Oh my god!   That is how this whole thing started for me!  I decided I couldn’t take it anymore I just wanted to be spanked! SO!  I posted some ads and explained my situation, that I’m married, need to be discreet, have a long standing desire blah blah blah.  Well it was killing me that I had done this…SO I told my hubby (I share everything with him why not this?) Naturally he was very angry!  BUT! He was totally understanding about what I wanted from a spanking AND decided that now would be a good time to start.  Boy did I get what I asked for!  *rubbing my sore bottom*  And he seems okay with it…in fact is a natural (is there such a thing?) Because I’m getting another one tonight!
  • Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I think a husband you know the whole macho thing and all…plus for years Men have been the ruler of the roost…all the way up to the 70’s right?  I know I know there are women out there who will disagree but I like knowing my man is in charge. hee-hee Ask me again after tonight!
  • What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Hmmm perhaps I should have saved my long winded story for this question…See above I guess.
  • Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  I think my hubby had to”learn to love it.”  He was raised by his mother and is the most caring, sweet guy I have ever met…helps out with kids, the housework cooks dinner etc. and I think the whole spanking thing may have seemed to him like striking a women you know?  I think a lot of men struggle with that if they are new to the scene. Okay I gotta  go now!  My man said it’s time..dum dum dum. 

PS Sorry the novel guys and gals…all these years of keeping and silent and finally able to break free has made me long winded!
Rikki (we all know what the red is for *LOL*)


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Answer 10: 

From: CutieCouple

Hello everyone,

It’s great to see the vanilla spouses posting their experiences and thoughts here – well done to you all for being so open and understanding.

I (the male half of the couple) had problems with my previous long-term girlfriend in this arena.  She swore up and down that she was open-minded, but that spanking with paddles and such was just plain weird.  I came to understand that to many people, being open-minded means endorsing what you already believe to be acceptable.  The old story of”If I do it and like it, it’s kinky, but if you do it and I DON’T like it, it’s perverted.”

The good (understatement!) news is that my current squeeze is genuinely open-minded.  She had never even heard of spanking as an erotic act.  I told her early in the relationship, and she said”Ok, let’s try it.”  We did.  I spent every waking moment telling her how sexy she looked over my knee, and what a fantastic bum she has (both very true!)  She is now a converted spanko, and in three weeks will become my wife!  I’m not about to let THIS one get away!

Interestingly, she has said several times, that even though she is not a spanko like I am, she always knew there was more to sex than she had ever experienced, and the ‘more’ is spanking.  For some reason, that was very good to hear.

So I guess there are all sorts of vanillas out there, just as we all differ in the ways we enjoy spanking.  If you are with a vanilla, do not abandon hope.  And if your vanilla posts here, I’m guessing you are on to a good thing.



Answer 11:

From: helen

Aaaah, how good to read of your stories! Welcome, Rikki-red, and wonder how you’re doing?

I just wanted to say to those who didn’t know yet: My husband ‘converted’ about one month ago (!!) and I am sooooo happy with him. He’s a born natural. He’s not a spanko and says that couldn’t have invented this himself nor would he pursue it without me, but he tells me that he can see the great effect that it has on me and he enjoys that more than anything and he’s willing to do whatever is needed to make that ‘state’ come to me. (I smile at my own words: this is what he says. But still I think he has the greatest talent, more than I could have ever imagined).

By the way, he wasn’t talking about sex. He has an eye for all the rest, and I think that’s the most important thing. Of course I introduced it a little bit as if it was just a sexual thing that you could do (like Becca suggested somewhere early on in this thread I believe) to make it more easy for him. But that part is only a part, and it’s much harder to explain the rest. I think the true naturals (if I should have to define that) are the ones who can see beyond the sex part and act accordingly.

So like I said, mine IS a born natural. I love him!


PS I said that this wasn’t about sex and it isn’t really. But am I getting too personal when I say that also in the sex department…. I didn’t know that it was possible to have sex like this after a spanking? Really, I’m still more of the discipline than of the erotic type, but boy, what a discovery!



Answer 12:


From: Vìckìe

Oh my goodness, this is the response that was supposed to go here. Somehow I reposted the one from the other thread.  Would somebody please get rid of the one above here? Anyway this is the correct one. It had disappeared and the previous one was still here so I posted that one again. So sorry!

Helen, it is so sweet that you are thinking of me. My dearest Mike did indeed give me a spanking just two short years into our marriage. He was in the Navy at the time, and on temporary duty at Compressed Gas School in Norfolk, Va. Since it was to be for almost five months, he brought me back with him. Our permanent duty station was Rota, Spain. We didn’t have much money, so I was staying with my parents in New Jersey during the week, and he came up on weekends and we stayed with his folks.

It was hard living apart so after two months, Mike rented an efficiency apartment for two weeks and I went down to stay with him. Anybody who has ever been in one knows how confining they can be but I was happy to be with him. By the end of the first week, I was at the limit of my patience. he was gone all day at school and spent every evening, after dinner, studying. When he finished studying, it was late and he wanted to get to sleep. Everything came to a head when I decided  would no longer be ignored. Announcing that,”I need some attention, NOW!”I proceeded to tickle the back of his neck, sit on the table on top of his papers to kiss him, poke him, and do everything I could to distract him. I was trying and succeeding in being the biggest pain in the a** that I could,  not knowing that is what he shortly would be giving me.

He warned me over and over to knock it off but I was going full speed ahead now and couldn’t stop if I wanted to, which I certainly did not! Finally I picked up all of his stuff and dropped it on the floor in a big snit that my plan had not worked. As I turned to go away, he grabbed my hand and flipped me over. It was fast and deadly! I was so surprised and shocked that I could do nothing except yelp loudly when the pain registered. After a few minutes, he let me up and pointed to the bed. He said to get in it and stay there or he was more than ready to do it again. With my mouth hanging open, and my hands rubbing away at the fire, I said”Yes Sir”! I didn’t intend to say sir, I never had called him that before, it just slipped out all by itself.

For the next hour I lay in bed watching him from under my eyelashes. He finished studying and came to bed. He put his arm around me and we cuddled up and then………………! I was on my best behavior for the rest of our time there. I wondered if he would connect my improved disposition and sunny outlook on life with the spanking, but he failed to notice. That was it for the next eight years, but I cherished the memory and it was enough for a long time. I didn’t say anything to him because I had never heard of anyone else ever feeling like this and was sure I was a little weird. We laugh about all of my little insecurities these days. He often says that if he had been paying closer attention, the next twenty-three years would have been even smoother sailing than they were.

The story of the second time is a whole different ball of wax, and didn’t end as well. I will tell you if you are sure you want to hear a slightly darker tale. Thank you so much for your interest!



Answer 13:

From: Vìckìe

Wow! I am really so overwhelmed. You say the nicest things here and I am so happy that I can contribute something to thank you for all that you have done for me. Yes indeed Becca, I know how hard it is to tell someone that secret that lives in your heart and just won’t go away (and isn’t it great that it doesn’t?) But sometimes, don’t all of us that waited so long regret the wait? I am glad that you and Andrew are now living the life you both love. Thank you for the compliments and encouragement to keep posting. You have done such a great job with this club and you also have the best co-managers.

And Helen, you also are saying such nice things. I am more than happy to try to try to help you any way that I can. Suggesting to your husband that he give you a playful spanking is a great way to start. Most men love to play if something they want is their reward at the end of the playtime. Challenging him to assert his masculine authority, smiling very sassily at him may work. It will be difficult to say the words at first, but the results could be more than your wildest dreams. It has happened. The only sure thing will be that nothing will happen if he never knows. Putting a playful slant on it will be very non-threatening.

You did ask some questions about our relationship that I will be happy to answer. Anything that you would like to know about us, please ask. I am completely open and will respond as much as I can. Mike spanks three times a week. That much is practically written in stone. They are what he calls reminder spankings to keep me on the straight and narrow. These are really a mix of erotic and semi-serious role play, for lack of a better description. They can get fairly intense toward the end, and I am tender the next day, but we also can break into uncontrollable laughter at any time, like if I make a strange noise that he considers funny, or he hurts a finger and says a loud”OW !”Both have happened recently. He tells me that I so seldom do anything wrong, he has to exaggerate little things just to give him something to lecture about during the spanking. He does do a lot of on-the-spot spankings for all sorts of minor things. They usually consist of about ten swats. He has little pet peeves and I am well aware that blowing him a raspberry will result in an on-the-spot every time. So I accidentally do this at least once or twice a week.

Mike would be the first one to express big doubts about”keeping me in line.”He is just not that kind of man, and I am not comfortable with the thought of him in that role. He is the head of the household because that is what we both want. He leads by example, encouragement, and love and my decision to follow his lead is because I want to not because I have to. I just answered a similar question in SWC. We make all decisions together but if, in extremely rare circumstances, we cannot agree, I choose to have him make the final decision that he must live with and assume the responsibility for.  And he is willing to accept the outcome, good or bad.

Mike does give me discipline spankings when I earn them. They happen maybe two or three times a year. He does not like to give them any more than I like getting them, but he does it out of love. I know I may get a lot of feedback over that statement, but it is a fact. When I mess up big time, I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. In the past, I would be upset and dwell on this for days, sometimes weeks. Now,  Mike sees the big bad thing I have done, and we talk about it. If it is weighing really heavy on my mind, he will send me to our room to get ready. I get the lecture, the spanking (which is much more severe than a reminder but mercifully much shorter), post-spanking sitting in my chair in the corner, facing him while he lectures some more and gauges my mood to make sure it is all out of my system, followed by much comforting and hugging. And all of my self-condemnation is gone and I am free to fix the error, then forget about it and go forward. It is temporarily painful but such a blessing to me.

I got so caught up in answering your questions, I didn’t tell the story that I promised you. I will come back later and post it. If there is anything else you would like to ask please do. I am”home alone”at least until lunch, then all afternoon, and you can see that I just love to talk.





Answer 14:


If your husband doesn’t have his own spanking kink and he doesn’t appreciate that you are aroused by being spanked and he thinks spanking you is abusive or evil or mean (?) then you’ll never get the spankings you want from him.

The fact that you desire to be submissive is not surprising to me since its natural for a spankee to crave that.  It’s also natural for a spankee (or”bottom”or”submissive”) to have a smart mouth since that’s a useful tactic to get our men to deal with us.

For many years, I never told my partner(s) what I craved since I thought it would be meaningless unless it was unspoken and totally spontaneous.   In my fantasy, I would push my partner to the brink of insanity and he would have no alternative but to grab me and spank me vigorously.  There was no discussion, no consent, no sexual desire.  Just a”perfect”spanking.  I’ve since learned that it’s WAAAAY more complicated than that.  For example, I don’t want a man who would do this with no knowledge or care of whether or not I desired it.  It’s just too close to being a”beating”if you take all the kink out of it.   The hardest thing for me to come to terms with was that this spanking desire comes from a sexual place in my head and for that reason, it’s not as”forbidden”as I fantasized for 25 years.   That killed a little bit of the excitement for me but it allowed me to come to a place in my relationships where I could actually ask for (and get) what I wanted.  (I love you, Andrew!!).

I’m not arguing with you since you know your relationship better than anyone but I still stand by my advice that (in most cases) you’ll have to appeal to a vanilla man’s penis if you want to make him feel enthusiastic about spanking his woman.




Answer 15:

From: shana

This is my first post here, a wonderful thread, just the kind of stuff I’ve been looking for. Thank you all.

There are of course, varying degrees to this kink, as I suspect with all. To find the perfect balance, a partner whose needs mirror your own, has got to be extremely difficult, at best.

I’ve read posts from women who claim to be crying and begging after twelve hand spanks, (which is nothing to me), to the other side. Spanked till close to bleeding. Not, for me either.

It seems that there are a lot of”bedroom only tops”around and I don’t mean that disparagingly at all. Rather; If you’ve got one and yearn for more is it possible to get it? My husband spanks me all the time for sex play. Matter of fact he has a hard time staying focused and spanking me for long, because other desires get in the way. He is a modern, liberal kind of guy and spanking me for real contradicts much of what he believes in, how he was brought up, etc. Which is why I agree with Becca, that you have to bring them around through sex. He professes all the time that he’d do ANYTHING to turn me on more. (Don’t most of them!) Yet, I am reluctant to tell him that real discipline spankings would do it.

We role play a lot (“I’m not going to SCHOOL!!!”etc.) and jive about it all the time in the car. He’ll tell me how much my ass is going to hurt and how I won’t be sitting down when we get home, and then guess what happens? As soon as I start to squirm, he wants other things. It appears that talking about it stimulates him so much that he might be more a talker than do-er? ????

Sooooooo, our”levels”of desire appear to be slightly off kilter. He would tell me if he wanted more, why can’t I tell him?

In the beginning, he confessed to me his interest in all things anal and I let him know that I couldn’t do anal intercourse (sorry Becca, I’m trying to make a point about being free enough to express your realist, most intimate desires). We worked things out so we can do other things and I am learning and beginning to enjoy them to; mostly due to HIS reaction! And when he tells me to lift my ass higher, and I don’t, I do get a really hard spank, and he continues until I put it where he wants it. Which I do now, rather quickly.

Only once he spanked me for real. Seems we get along TOO well, almost never disagree, and I’m not bitchy or demanding. (role play only). But I got a good one, mid-tantrum once. It was REAL and it hurt like crazy and I fought with every bit of strength in my body. Then we had the best sex ever, and when we discussed it afterwards, he revealed to me that he felt”guilty”(and he looked it) about spanking me against my will for real. We had of course previously discussed this and he had my permission to proceed with a spanking if I was at a point of being unwilling to communicate with him. Angie knows what I’m talking about here. I’m going to hold my nose up in the air and refuse to tell him what’s wrong. He’s going to have to figure it out,”if you love me, you’d know”, and fix it and grovel. The first time I did this, I got away with it, we talked about it after three days of not speaking; and both decided that the next time, I would get turned over quickly. So, he did it, I HATED IT/LOVED IT (especially after it was over), and it seemed to work.

So, what’s my problem? He’s never done it again. He’s threatened dozens of times, and I’ve deserved it, (though never to that extreme. If I do”silent treatment”, I WILL get spanked – but I don’t want to start a real fight). So, I conclude he doesn’t”really”want to dom me. Not to the extent that I want it. This thread started with specific questions, and seems to have evolved to discourse; and I hope you forgive me Becca for not following the question format. But it seems a few of the ladies here have similar circumstances.

He did confess to me that spanking me for real was MORE exciting than for play and that he’d never been that aroused, exhilarated, empowered, etc. I’ve told him he can spank me as long and as hard as he wants to, for play or for real, many times. But, he always stops way before I want him to.

The last time he held me longer than I liked and continued with hard spanks, I thought it was going to be the one. I started yelling”no, stop”and really squirming, and he continued to spank my ass harder and got it very red and stinging. But he stopped after a minute. When he let me go I jumped on him and we had the WILDEST SEX, me on top, his favorite. Shouldn’t that reinforce to him to go ahead and spank me a little longer, further, harder. Make me squirm and cry and plead and I’ll really make it worth your while after!!!

But he has never REALLY spanked me again for discipline, for real. Like most of you ladies here, I want that badly. I think I’m doing all the right stuff, but he’s afraid to go forward, or doesn’t really want to.

I wrote him a long letter for Valentines Day giving him my submission and my ass, but I chickened out and never gave it to him.

Becca, how direct and blunt must we be, when subtleties seem to fail? If he doesn’t really desire to go as far as I do, can he learn to? Can he learn to love it?

I guess a lot of us here have the same frustrations.




Answer 16:


From: rozyrosey

  • Do you just deny your fetish?   I did mention it a few times early in our marriage, but  I rarely do anymore because I am embarrassed about”my kink.”
  • Do you play outside you marriage?  Nope, I feel it would be cheating.
  • Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?  He did give me a few swats during sex once….
  • Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?  Hmmmm. I’ll let you know.
  • Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I think it would have to be easier to be on the”giving”end.
  • Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  I think a man can learn to love it (especially if it is a major turn on for his wife), but I personally think a woman has to have it already in her to really”love”it.
  • What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Nope



Answer 17:

From: Cshrimp1

This discussion is what this club is all about and I find that my experiences over the years are not unique to me after all.

My wife is vanilla but has on occasions agreed to play.  It took a lot of  ‘nagging’ (Dare I say pleading) and sometimes ‘bribery’.  (A little alcohol has also helped.)

We’ve tried ‘Spanking forfeits’, spanking games, costume dramas etc. For her it was always ‘under duress’ and only on very rare occasions did she really let her hair down.

The ‘lead in’ was often fun, but when we got down to the nitty gritty she froze.  She accepted it but showed no reaction at all.

I always held back, fearful that by being too hard I might put her off all together.

She was brought up to ‘lie back and think of England’.   Women were not supposed to actually enjoy IT.  She has changed some, after all we have had six children,  but she always feels a little guilty



Answer 18:

From: wishin

  • 1 Do you just deny your fetish?  Not outright but I have gone for ling periods of time not ‘bringing it up’ because it seemed I was pushing it on him. Have sustained myself by fantasy, fantasy, fantasy!!!
  • 2 Do you play outside you marriage?  No.
  • 3 Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?  Yes, we have occasionally played but the intensity was usually less than I wanted.  I didn’t push for more because I sensed he was uncomfortable.
  • 4 Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?  I am currently working on it. Printed a lot of material he has started to read- so far it is looking good!
  • 5 Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I don’t know but would guess a ‘giver’.
  • 6 Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  I sure am hoping my husband will learn to love it.  He is dominant by nature and attracted to ‘bottoms’, from what I’ve been reading it sounds promising!
  • 7 What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  No, not yet.




Answer 19:

From: Redleg

Well now that I have seen how some answered I will give it a try  and answer the questions by number.  Those you read my previous posts I hope aren’t too bored.

  • 1 Do you just deny your fetish?  No, its more “Don’t ask don’t tell”.
  • 2 Do you play outside you marriage? Not real life, I have never even met someone from the net.  I have had the opportunity but declined……I have played cyber because, though I think the friendships are real,  the play is fantasy.  Kind of like watching McLintock ! and sharing feelings about it.  Afterall role playing is acting.  Its interactive fantasy, and though certainly enjoyed, it is still fantasy.  It’s kind of hard to describe.   I am better at editing than composing.  Also, I don’t think engaging in the discussions here, even adding a smidgen of humor, is play.  I do like to discuss experiences and feelings about the”kink”
  • 3 Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”? When we played early in the marriage I kept the intensity down to almost love pats.  Like I said it did nothing for her so I quit out of respect for her needs.  Though I still give love pats to the appropriate area (which she appears to like), no OTK play or anything near it.
  • 4 Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?  Yes, but I was not able too.
  • 5 Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  I think ingrained inhibitions would be equally hard to over come regardless of gender.  So I would say 50/50
  • 6 Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  I think they can learn to”love”it, if it’s done with love.  I am not sure they need be born with it, but they need not to have any preconceived notions or inhibitions ingrained against it.
  • 7 What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend? Again I  am not sure, I did have some girl friends who bratted and seemed surprised when they were turned over the knee (after warnings) or even a little tiffed but still continued to brat later and did not put up a fight when they got spanked and then laughed about it after (okay I rarely spanked hard if it was play, I always thought you should start very slow).  But I never did found out whether it was a fantasy for them before or after we dated.  Back in those days, you didn’t exactly ask about fantasies much.



Answer 20:

From: G-Man

  • Do you just deny your fetish?  Me? No way
  • •   Do you play outside you marriage?  Yes, but me wife does know
  • •   Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?  Our spankings are defiantly more sexual
  • •   Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?  Yes sometimes, but it does take time and an open minded partner
  • •   Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?  50/50
  • •   Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?  It can be learned, but again you need an open mind
  • •   What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?  My wife has learned to enjoy my fetish, not quite as much as me yet however



Answer 21:

From: Redleg

WELLLLLLLLL.  I have been married to a vanilla for 26 years.  We did play a little when first married, but she got absolutely nothing out of it.  How do we do it?  Its called respecting your partner’s wishes.  Besides, my enjoyment of play or even discipline, is gained as much from the partner enjoying or getting something from it (as in closure from discipline) as anything.  I  restricted my interest to mainstream movies and TV and some books until the net came along.  I think she is aware because some of the books she recommended to me”Hey, you will like this one”contained some spaning scenes.   I consider my friendships I have made on the net real, but the play fantasy, albeit interactive’  just like reading a book, but with a lot of help  .  I have never met anyone I have met on the net r/l.   I have had the opportunity, I just declined.  I made a vow and intend to keep it.  However, if, God forbid, I would become eligible again, I think I would have to insure the SO was a brat, a lady to be sure, but still a brat.  That’s about all I can say.  Doesn’t answer many questions you posed Becca, but there it is anyway.


Answer 22:

From: Slem

Redleg, nice answer! would you mind if I ask one question, and I fully understand if you say”Mind my own Business”, did you feel frustrated at all at times in your 26 years, or do’s the fact you have a great wife compensate for it?? am sure it is at least nice you don’t have to keep it a secret.

and here’s my atempt at answering your great Questions, Becca.

  • Do you just deny your fetish?

I did for many years deny it, not just to others, but also to myself, was up in mid 20’s before I thought why should I, and off course older you get more wise, and learning all the time, realiased its not hurting anyone else (Or in fact myself) so why deny it.  From 30’s onwards, I don’t go around broadcasting, but if it comes up, I go straight out with it, have told my Brother (He just said, not surprised).

  • Do you play outside you marriage?

After 2 years of my Marriage after it was plainly evident, it was not going to be successful to”Play”in it, I was allowed to play outside, on the stipulation that it was non sexual, which at times was hard, because it is Erotic, but I kept to that condition out of respect for my wife.  She did try, bless her, but it was just not”In”her.

  • Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?

Of the Girlfriends before and after Marriage, it would depend on how it had come up, to get to play, off course it it was someone that had never done it, then would go easy and yes make it sexual, or a play atmosphere with lots of laughter.

  • Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?

Yes and No, mm let me explain that, I think there are off course lots of different opinions with Vanilla’s, You could meet a Partner, who has it in them just it needs to be brought out, you can gently hint, and if hints, are taken i.e.”Oh behave or I will put you over my knee”  then its a good possibility the person is up for some fun,  There are others who do like to be fondled and to be touched a lot on bottom during love making ! its not so hard to gently bring in some gently spanking (And that brought once a response”Oh Spanking”to which I obviously said”Oh do you like spanking”and very quickly she was soon over lap).  Then there are those who straight away show their disdain for it, and you can write them off straight away.  Then there are those like my Ex Wife, who really wanted to, to please me, but it just from beginning starting off being keen and interested went downhill ! (I told her on third”Date”and said”If she felt she could not handle that aspect off me, we should not go further, oh she was sure it was no problem back then)

  • Who would be easier to convert?  A husband or a wife?

This would have to be my personal opinion, but I do think it is probably easier to”Convert”a wife, if she is like warm hearted and already fun inclined and likes her bottom touched a lot already.  But having said that, if a vanilla husband who likes Bottoms can not be converted then, that amazes me. (Very Good Question, this one, could discuss it really for hours)

  • Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?

Like G-Man says I think”some”can learn to like it, but feel there has to be something there already, maybe not full blown, having dreamt of spanking before, but like I said a tad curious or have always giggled or thought it funny to get a smacked bottom etc.

  • What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Yes have converted a couple, two who really surprised me took to it and one is as mad as me about it now (Is that really possible ha ha) and she is even a member of this club now.



Answer 23:

From: JanetB

  • 1.  Do you just deny your fetish?

I denied it  until I was 23, married with two children.  My husband (ex-husband now) and I were having problems and I left him.  We remained separated for about 8 months, but got back together.  We were laying in bed talking about our problems and I casually stated that maybe if he spanked me, he’d feel better.  So he just hauled me over his lap and did it!

  • 2.  Do you play outside your marriage?

I never played anything outside my marriage, nor my current relationship. “D”and I have discussed this, and while he say’s that it would just be play if he ever did, Insist that if I ever found someone else that I wanted to”play”with, I’d leave him first.

  • 3.  Do you play with your partner, but limit the intensity or keep it totally sexual to make it more”okay”?

My partner and I”play”, but there is a realism to the”fun or erotic”play.  Then of course, you have the non-play or punishment spankings, which are very intense and not sexual at all.

  • 4.   Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla?

I think it’s possible to convert a vanilla, but that really depends on the person.  In my personal case,

“D”was a vanilla, but had the ear-markings for a wonderful Top.  He has a very domineering attitude, but not in a over bearing way.  He is very self-assured.  When we were just starting out, he asked me what my fantasies were.  I was very embarrassed, but admitted my desire to be spanked.  He was very interested in accommodating me.  That was 4 years ago, and while we don’t play every week, he does find time to”play”my fantasy at least twice a month.  He has very much gotten into spanking me.  (Bless his heart), just because I enjoy it.

  • 5.   Who would be easier to convert? A husband or a wife?

I don’t know who would be easier to convert, as I have never had a wife, and don’t ever intend to.  I think that as far as converting another person, it really depends on that other person attitude about person relationships.  I have found that if a person is open minded and has a sense of adventure about  most things, that they may be more easily converted into spanking.

  • 6.  Can someone”learn”to love this or do they need to be born with the kink in order to really be into it?

I feel that people can learn to love just about anything.  If a vanilla learns to love this lifestyle, who is to say that they didn’t have the kink to begin with.

  • 7.  What’s your personal experience?  Have you ever converted a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Oops!  I think I answered this in my previous answers.  Yep, #4.





Thats it for today.

Please find some other links here:

Adult, Consensual Spanking

How I (Sort of) Converted My Vanilla Husband

Your Wife wants What ?

You Enjoy What ?





  1. Do you just deny your fetish – for most of my life until 15 years ago.

    Do you play outside of your marrige – I did in the begining but no longer. Things changed there really was no need anymore (plus the guilt).

    Do you play with your partner but limit the intensity – DW is NOT a spanko
    or submissive at all. I explained my spanking fetish before we were married and she later agreed to try. She does not like being spanked (but no longer minds it). She does like what it does to me (zooms up my libido). We compromised, I gave away my tawse, lexan paddle, and wooden paddles. For the first few years, it was just hand spankings (which in themselves were great).
    Gradually she has accepted some light flogging and leather paddles. She will never be a spanko, but the benefits that “accrue” to her from this makes it ok for her. She has a safeword, but rarely uses it or needs it. She also knows if she wishes this to stop, she can at any time. We do funishment, but punishment was off the table from the get/go (not that it’s needed). I don’t think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who’s behavior constantly required punishment.

    Do you think it’s possible to convert a vanilla? Is she converted or just accepts that there are benefits to being spanked? Hard to say – I would say it’s possible.

    Who is easier to convert – I would say the spanker rather than the spankee – whether that is male of female.

    Can they learn to love this or must they be born with it? Again – tough to say. For the spankee I think they need to have some inclination in that area (there is pain after all). For the spanker, as long as they know their partner needs this and is fully ok, it is less of a problem and possibly more open.

    Have I ever converted a spouse? Is she converted — I would say PROBABLY,
    it’s been a long time now since she has declined a spanking (and there were many times in the begining).

4 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Spanking guide: How to convert a vanilla woman into your spankee… — SpankozBlog | momentarylapseofsanity
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