First a little background. Hubby and I (hereafter called H) have been together for going on 24 years. When we met, my spanking needs were dormant and had been since the birth of my daughter in my first marriage. In fact, the urge for spanking didn’t come back till I was in my forties and had discovered the Internet (January, 1995). So I knew right off the bat that I was dealing with a vanilla (non-spanko) husband and that I might fail. He’s just not wired the way I am for such things.
Early on I was attracted to the idea of spanking for discipline as much as for eroticism. In my early enthusiasm I did many things wrong: I didn’t give him time to think and pressured him, I was unclear as to exactly what I wanted, and so on. He reacted by making fun of my needs or being hostile about the whole issue. We tried to use spanking as discipline for me and failed miserably, because we hadn’t made a plan and in fact were clueless. The whole experience turned him off to spanking for two long years. He wouldn’t spank me at all, not even as foreplay.
So, I tried to ignore and deny my urges. I tried to let it go. Some of the time I was successful. But, not only was I not having my need for spanking met, I was also not getting my needs for discipline met. I was working at a stressful high tech job and, as a result, was not always a nice person. We bickered a lot. Then we went through some stressful times together, some mutual losses, and a cancer scare for him. Getting to the other side of that began to change me. I had to keep working, but now I knew what was important in my life, and it was my family.
So, I decided to change me. I decided I would give him unconditional love no matter what. It’s not an easy thing to do, and I wasn’t perfect at it. But I tried really hard. It became easier to do as I became more practiced at it. I also went out of my way to do little things for him, make him his favorite foods, not bug him because once again he left dirty dishes in the living room, things like that. I tried not to reply in anger if he snapped at me. As I toned down my critical side and turned up my loving impulses, he began to respond positively. Things improved. But, even though he would now spank me erotically whenever I asked, I didn’t want a repeat of the earlier discipline fiasco. However, I needed him to discipline me.
Finally, last fall, after a year of many changes that ultimately saw us picking up stakes and moving over 300 miles (and a huge cultural world) away from the place we lived for over twenty years, I was ready to try broaching the subject of discipline again. I had been reading about Domestic Discipline (DD) on a number of Web sites and began to see that it could work for us. I started lurking on various egroups. Last year, just before Thanksgiving, on the advice of a very wise woman on another egroup, I went to him and said something like, “I need you to spank me. I need to be spanked because I did X, and I am sorry I did X. Your spanking me for this mistake would make me feel cherished and loved by you.” I tried to put it in the perspective of my needs in a positive way, and handed him a paddle.
To my surprise, he didn’t ridicule me or act hostile. Instead, he looked at me, said, “All right,” and spanked me. When he asked me at one point when he should stop, I said, “You decide when I’ve had enough.” So he paddled me a couple dozen more times (which I didn’t expect!), only really hard. I stayed bent over till he told me I was done, and that was truly my first disciplinary spanking. It really hurt, so of course I was pleased. It meant he was taking it seriously as discipline.
After this victory, I didn’t do X again for a long time. I tried to be the best, most loving wife I could. And he responded! I was still asking for my DD spankings, but he began to approach them more willingly and even seemed eager. At one point around Christmas, he commented that I had been so very good he couldn’t think of a reason to spank me. Ah, now he was thinking in terms of him telling me when I needed to be spanked. Another step in the right direction!
Ultimately, the success we’ve had with this has been largely because I have not pressured him, I have stated my needs clearly and didn’t act up or pick fights in an effort to get spanked, and I have been happy to go at his pace. And I was still working on being the best, most loving wife I possibly could. I began to defer to him when certain decisions needed to be made. I did lots of things for him without being asked, and offered to do even more. In short, I treated him as if he were the head of the household (HoH), whether he wanted to be or not. I treated him with respect. I did things his way whenever I could. I wasn’t a doormat or a Stepford Wife. I simply did things that I knew would make him happy and make for a harmonious household.
I think our success has been because it has been a wonderful spiral of love: me being disciplined, then behaving better and treating him with respect and love, then another discipline session, after which I would become even better. And I know he noticed that spanking made me a more loving, more attentive wife and a nicer person, and that bit of positive reinforcement helped a lot in making him see the sense of DD. In the past two months, he has actively taken a role in disciplining me, and not long ago I finally saw The Look. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that he sometimes (not always, just sometimes) tells me when I need to be spanked, and follows through. (I still have to ask over fifty percent of the time, but that’s all right with me. He’ll never be 100% HoH and I accept that. I love him for who he is.)
He also converted to the point that he now gives real discipline spankings. Oh, boy, does he ever! I think things will continue to evolve in that direction. Who knows, maybe someday we’ll be at the point where he initiates nine out of ten spankings. Practically all of my spankings these days are for discipline, and I prefer it that way. And we haven’t been this happy in years!
So, to sum up:
- Change yourself first. This is Step One!
- Give him unconditional love and always, always respect.
- Treat him like he is the HoH; defer to him whenever possible.
- State your needs clearly and use “I” language, not “you” (as in, “I need you to show your love for me by spanking me,” not “you have to spank me because I want it”)
- Remember, he can’t read your mind. If you want him to spank you, ask him, as hard as that can be.
- Be slow and patient when introducing DD.
- Don’t be too quick to make rules unless he’s into that (we don’t have any formal rules and I never broached the subject, because I know he would balk at that).
- Be willing to ask for your spankings until he “gets it”.
- Be slow and patient and loving with his progress. Always thank him for caring enough to discipline you.
- Don’t criticize him or his spanking in any way during discipline. I can’t say this clearly enough. You can instruct on technique if he’s really hopeless, but NOT while he is disciplining you. Talk about that before or after. But while he is spanking you, it’s his call. You’re supposed to be able to trust him enough to let him discipline you his way. And his way will never be exactly what you fantasized, trust me.
- Never, never argue with him if he suddenly thinks you need a spanking and you don’t. He’s new to this, so don’t do anything to discourage him! If he thinks you need to be paddled for not bringing the mail in, so be it. Accept it with good grace and let him be HoH. That’s what you want, isn’t it?
- You’re not running the DD show. He is. And well he should be, if you really want this in your life.
- Oh, did I mention being slow and patient and kind and loving with him? <g>
There will be setbacks. Be prepared for them. My husband just spent about two weeks blistering me for my poor driving, but the past few days hasn’t been “into it” because he’s worried and preoccupied about something at work. I know I need to back off when he is worrying about something, so I’m not asking for a spanking right now for anything. When he is more relaxed and over the crisis, then I know he will once again pick up that paddle and tell me to drop ’em and bend over. (My only fear is that the next time he does so, the paddle with holes will have arrived. Gulp.)
Conversion, I think, never really ends, if the man is not naturally into DD. It’s more of a journey, and you need to keep your sense of humor, as well as your patience and love, ever-flowing. I know that, even if we never get any farther in our journey than we are now, it’s so much more than I ever expected to have, that I’m utterly thrilled. Be happy with what you achieve, even if it sometimes seems that it’s not enough. And, conversely, be careful what you wish for. He may surprise you some day and spank you till you can barely sit. It happened to me!
Well, that’s it. Good luck with your own conversion.